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I wonder how many relationships you are aware of have died because one or the other person, or perhaps even both, didn't feel as though they were understood? How often can we see someone within a relationship cheat, and when you ask them just how it happened, the answer was something near to; "I feel a connection, like he (she) understands me."
Very often.
When we first slip into a romance, we try very hard to learn everything we are able to concerning the other individual. We would like to find out what they love to eat, where they love to go, what videos they like to see, everything about their hobbies, where they've been, and where they are hoping to go. When we're in a new relationship, we become the biggest, best "job interviewer" there is. We try and find out everything.
Someplace in the future, we believe we've got all of it figured out. Brand new things happen that call for our concentration, and now we lose focus. "Daily life" pulls us in various directions, job, kids, profession, and hobbies all bring about our very own personal growth. Sadly, that growth is frequently in different directions. Those people we used to be is not who we are now, and yes it appears to worsen each day. That person we got a chance to discover when the connection was new, they've changed. Typically the changes are very soft and subtle, and the dilemma is not that they've changed, but that we've neglected to notice.
Our first inkling that there is something wrong is usually one of those times when one partner comes back home, to find the other upset, as a result of something that happened, or didn't happen on that day. If this takes place on a day when the returning partner has also had a awful day, you begin trading explanations why your day was worse. With nobody listening, and everybody talking, very little gets done, nobody feels better. Should this happen too often, then both people will start to believe their companion doesn't understand them.
The problem is that we are hoping to get the other person to appreciate us. It's not your fault, it's human nature. It's how we are hard-wired.
Even appearing wired to do things this way, you may still deal with this; you just need to discover how to get started. The answer to dealing with this, and to keep things working well in the future, is to do the complete opposite of what you really feel like doing. What you need to do would be to first figure out the other person. Take note of what they're saying, and show them that you're listening. You need to do this by rephrasing what they've said, so that they know you heard them (Try to remember: you are doing this to help repair the thing that might be more important to you than everything else, your relationship, keep the jokes and the sarcasm out of it). When you have succeeded in doing so, they're going to either agree or correct you, so that you do comprehend. After you listen, and take time to know very well what they really want or need, you'll know where to start to help. Here's where the fun stuff starts. When you do that, when they know you have heard and understood them, they're going to make an effort to try and do the same for you. Rather than a pulling apart, we have a drawing together.
Every time you do that it gets less difficult. Over time, both you and your partner will stop anticipating a "tug of war" whenever they need to talk to you. With all of that stress and anxiety that comes from expecting a conflict gone, the talking gets simple.
The alternative, too frequently, is one or the other partner being unfaithful, along with the relationship just falling apart. Then, if you should still desire to be with that person, you find yourself being forced to learn how to survive an affair, or you need to try to discover ways to make up, and restore the relationship. This is certainly much simpler.
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